I'm sitting on the floor,
With all of our shared
Memories spilled out.
I can't help but feel saddened and
Frustrated, as I see you smiling and
Staring back at me with
Those piercing blue eyes.
Where I once saw the beauty
Of the sky in them, now all I see is the
Titanic's pillar of ice.
I'm surprised and annoyed
At myself for not having seeing
It coming, when everything
Blew up between us that night.
Should have known it was
Only a matter of time, when
I first noticed that everything
About us was always going to
Be out of focus.
Guess I'm just delusional
To want to be that blindly
Happy in love girl, with you
Forever cemented in my
Collection of photos of what
Once I thought was forever
Going to be a good life.
I've cried over your photo
99.99 times, a tear shed for
All of those times you lied.
That day when I walked in
On you and her, something
Inside of me died.
Exhausted from crying, I've
Smashed an entire bottle of
Melatonin in attempt to sleep
And black you out of my mind.
Though I'm pumped full of
Pills, I go in and out of sleep.
My brain refuses to knock me
Completely out.
I'm sinking in quick sand,
6ft deep at a time.
Apparently, sleep is not an
Option for me.
No matter what I do, I can't
Seem to stay knocked out.
I find myself waking up every
Hour, on the hour.
Like clockwork.
Guess I'll just have to
Ride it out.
I stare at the photos
As I hold a pair of scissors
In one hand, I still don't
Have it in me to cut you
Out.
You sneaky slimy snake,
You somehow managed to
Constrict yourself tightly
Around my brain.
For the meantime anyway,
It appears you taken up space
By living rent free in my mind.
Your vibes have somehow,
Managed to work their magic.
Making a glass held in my
Other hand filled with my
Favourite wine, now turned
Sour.
It's like the thought of
You alone with her, has
Transformed my trusty
Red into some kind of
Messed up potion.
Forcing me to relive every
Disgusting detail, of that
Dreadful moment.
It's like, the two of you
Have programmed my brain
To play on repeat, on a loop.
I'm trapped.
I feel like I've lost my God
Damn mind.
Everything is playing on
Rewind, in slow motion.
I've lost everything, I'm
Stuck going through the
Motions.
Maybe, with a bit of luck,
I'll be able to sort myself out?.
For now anyway, today is
NOT that day.
You've left me broken,
I don't think I'll ever be
Able to let anyone in again
Now that you've walked out.
Deep inside I know,
That this was for the
Better.
If there's anything that this
Experience has taught me,
Is that no matter how difficult
This may seem, that everything
In its own good time will work
Itself out.
Until then, you've left me
Stranded - stuck in this maze.
Will I ever find the escape
Hatch and be able to get out?
The saddest part in all of this?
The only landmarks that I ever
Recognise, are the fake memories
You've left behind.
If only there was a way to remove
This damn jammed tape, out of the
VCR that is my mind.
Until I am able to process it all
And finally move on, everything
I thought I once knew, will continue
To play on a loop.
Every nitty-gritty detail
Continuously stuck in the
Slow motion version, deeply
Imbedded in my mind.
Soon enough this will be
Over, once I get up to my
Feet and return to my original
State of being sober.
Once I wash my face,
I know that everything will
Be alright.
From now on, I'm going to
Do my best to Ctrl, Alt,
Delete you from my mind.
Eventually, karma will leave
You and once again be on my
Side.
And when that day finally
Arrives, I know for a fact that
I WILL be alright.
- Alexandra Pierotti.
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